I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
