Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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