Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize