I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
smell my finger.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
