HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
this beer tastes like vomit already
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
