I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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