i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
