Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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