I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
