I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's just like the Real World with babies
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
