You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
