I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He passed out mid-signature
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
