maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
