I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
