I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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