i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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