Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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