i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize