chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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