the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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