She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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