My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
