I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
