you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
