Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
