What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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