Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
