just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
