Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
