Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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