addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
