if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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