Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
