i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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