Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
