I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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