just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
