so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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