Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
