Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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