i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
