My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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