the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
