On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
