Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's official drugs can't kill me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
