the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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