so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
