I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
