saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
