we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
