I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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