My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My ATM looks so different sober.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
