Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize